Things I’m Learning

I moved into my own apartment about three weeks ago.  Thus far I have learned:

  • I am still used to cooking for a crowd.
  • I am not used to being alone.
  • Today I went & signed up for a library card & found myself with access to a much larger library.  When you have more choices, it is difficult to make a decision.  I am thankful for the Goodreads app; it helped me pare down my list.
  • Dating is not for me.  Probably not for a good, long while.
  • I need to find a new church.  I signed up for a divorce support group at one of those monster churches & had to miss the first meeting due to a head cold from hell.  In the meantime, I find myself reading devotionals & highlighting Bible verses–sometimes I feel like God is telling me, “READ.  SO APPLICABLE TO YOU.  HIGHLIGHT THE HELL OUT OF THIS ONE, THEN WRITE IT DOWN & STICK IT ON THE REFRIGERATOR SO YOU SEE IT EVERY DAY.”  And so I have.  Now stop yelling at me, God.
  • In all the time I spent building up my marriage, I neglected many other relationships–with family, with friends.  It is time that I recognize this, work on it, and grow from it.
  • My cable package sucks.  No wonder it was so cheap.
  • I am better at budgeting than I thought I would be.  I have stuck to my grocery budget & become so methodical in stretching it that every sandwich bag of blueberries for the kids’ lunches has exactly fifty blueberries in it.
  • I used to dream of the day I would get a newer, better car.  Now I cannot wait until I pay off my Scion & drive it into the ground.
  • For every negative in my life, there are three positives.  For example, my divorce is a negative, and here are three positives:
    • The Crohn’s/Colitis support group is going well & growing.
    • I got a promotion at work & learn something new & (exciting to me) every day.
    • I can be alone.  And do things alone.  And succeed.  And grow.

Xo, Beth

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Lack of Progress

I have done a terrible job with my list.  I could make excuses, but why bother?

The divorce settlement paperwork is done; we just have to sign & then wait for a date for it to go before a judge.  Looking at the last fourteen years we’ve spent together, and deducing it to how we’re going to break everything apart is the most horrific feeling on earth.

It’s like, here, crack an egg, exactly in half, and let no small piece get into the other’s half.  Everything is so fucking fragile right now, pardon my French.  One day we get along great, and the next we argue about what is “fair” & what is “right”, but who ever really gets to ultimately decide what is “fair” and “right”?  Is what’s “fair” for me really “fair” for him?  I cannot decide.  I do not want to take half of his things because really, I am not a self-entitled piece of shit.  I cannot look at our relationship & pretend like I am “entitled” to things simply because we spent those years together.

I feel that we’ve come to a pretty fair agreement; one that lets us both walk away with dignity & enough money to survive, but other days, it hits me like a freight train that this man is going to be gone from my life.  Not completely; we will always be there for our children & we will always do our best to co-parent in the most positive way possible.  But he is not “mine” anymore, and I am not “his”, and that cuts like a knife to my core.  I feel as though I have lost a limb.

It is “for the best”, this divorce, but again, it doesn’t make it any less painful.  He was not just my husband–he was my friend, my confidante, my partner-in-crime, my live-in comedian.  He carried me up the stairs to bed & took care of me when I was ill.  He would have done anything for me–and I do believe he still would, even though we are no longer together.

He was the one that could never shut a dresser drawer or a cabinet door–the most bizarre bad habit I do believe I have ever encountered; it was infuriating at the time, but now I miss it.

I cannot believe that after all this time, all these memories, all this acquired STUFF, we are just.  Done.

Last week was his week to have the kids, but due to winter break, I kept them during the days and worked from home, as he cannot take time off during end-of-year.  A few nights I asked him to stay for dinner.  I didn’t want him to have to get the kids home right before 7 & then have to think about cooking dinner.  I think it made the kids happy.  I think it made him & I happy–to feel like, wow, we’re killin’ it at this co-parenting.

But inevitably, a bad day comes where we argue about something stupid and then I wonder–did this one bad undo all this other good?

I wonder–will I EVER want to get married again?  Will I ever TRUST another person again the way I trusted my husband?  I feel like no one could stack up to him.  I just cannot envision it.

I am at this crossroads, and my bookshelf kept pulling me to a devotional book that my dad’s wife gave me for Christmas last year.  So I turned to December 31st; I read what it said, along with looking up the accompanying Bible verses, and I cried.  Because it was exactly what I needed to read, as per usual.  Sometimes I feel so alone, but then I remember, that really, I am never alone.  He is always there with me, even when I’m too busy ignoring Him & pretending that I don’t need His help.

This passage I read felt especially relevant, so I highlighted the hell out of it, and then wrote it down & stuck it on the fridge–you know, in case I forget:

1 Peter 1:6-7

“Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer.  Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine.”

 

Beth

Goal Check-In + Counseling

2017/2018 Goals

  • Take three cooking classes (preferably cuisine that is out of my comfort zone)
    • 11/16 update: Two friends from work & I are taking the Introductory Class at Katsumi’s Teaching Kitchen on the 26th–I am looking so forward to it.  🙂
  • Start painting again
    • 10/29 update: started my first painting today–we’ll see how it turns out!  🙂
  • Take a trip alone (Cape Cod? Vermont?)
  • Buy flowers for myself (SUNFLOWERS=#love)
    • Done–fresh flowers are always a mood lifter.
  • Join a gym
    • 10/28 update: I joined Planet Fitness–woo!  My goal is to start out going twice a week & once I get used to that, up it to three or four times a week.  
    • I will do a six month check-in on this goal to keep myself accountable.  
    • 10/29 update: I went to Planet Fitness today for the first time since signing up & I LOVED it!  I made it an hour–thirty minutes on the treadmill & thirty minutes on the recumbent bike.
  • Take two spin classes
    • 11/16 update: I just finished my third class at Cyclebar.  I have a love/hate relationship with these classes.  They push me to my limit & p*ss me off, but I love the music & I always feel like a million bucks by the end of the class.  I think I will continue with these classes on a drop-in basis, but I am a bigger fan of the gym because I can zone out to music while watching HGTV.
  • Make a vision board (What do I want to make me happy?)
    • 10/29 update: DONE!  Also found this great article: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-rider/the-scientific-reason-why_b_6392274.html 
    • vision board_1vision board_2
  • Find inspiring self-love quotes
    • 10/29 update: DONE!  https://www.pinterest.com/bethella_fitz/self-love/
  • Watch Heartburn 
  • Run a 5k (for a good cause)
  • Start writing again
    • 10/22 update: Starting this blog counts, right?  😉
  • Read ten books (75% should be non-fiction)
    • 10/29 update: I started reading Living Forward.  Very interesting book so far.
  • Volunteer at Ronald McDonald House
  • Reconnect with five friends I’ve lost touch with
    • 10/22 update: Getting ready to go out with an old friend from high school.  As I type, she is on her way over!  
  • Try two new restaurants downtown (Mesh, Black Market?)
  • Improve meal planning/grocery shopping lists; try new recipes
    • 10/28 update: I used Kroger’s ClickList for the first time today–it was so great!  It made it much easier to meal plan and I stayed under budget because I wasn’t in the store to be tempted to impulse buy anything.  I highly recommend ClickList if you have it in your area.  
  • Take a walk twice per week (Maybe even a walk in the rain/snow now & again?)
    • 10/22 update: Just walked with my good friend/neighbor to nearby model homes & back.  Walking through model homes is super therapeutic & inspiring for me, as I love interior design.  
  • Put a piece of furniture together without the help of a dude (YOU CAN DO IT!)
  • Go to a movie alone
  • Visit the following places:
    • Indianapolis City Market
    • Indy ComedySportz
    • Jazz on the Avenue – Madame Walker Theatre
    • See two Footlite Musicals
    • Wildwood Market

 

I found a therapist a few months back that I really liked, but I knew that I wasn’t quite ready to face the emotions I was feeling at the time, so I blew off returning.  I finally went back to see her yesterday & unleashed the tears.  Sometimes a good cry is more therapeutic than anything else on this planet.

She recommended I read Rebuilding: When your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher & Robert Alberti, so I started listening to it on Audible.  Thus far, the theory is that there at 19 “blocks” that build the mountain of recovery from divorce.  To fully “recover”, you need to scale the mountain–some make it, while others don’t & veer off on their own path (usually this path is another relationship).

If you don’t recover from a relationship that broke you, can you have high hopes for the next to turn out well?  I mean, in any relationship that ends, it’s two parties that made mistakes along the way (be they small or large), and they end in the demise of said relationship.  If you don’t heal from the hurt and acknowledge your own mistakes so you can hopefully prevent yourself from repeating them in the next relationship–can you really expect the next one to turn out much better?  Million dollar question.

I want to take this time to figure myself out–dating in this day & age is ridiculous & full of pressure, head games, and stupid terms like “breadcrumbing” & “ghosting” & “benching”.  I think I’ll sit this one out.

 

My divorce has been pretty “amicable”, all things considered.  We have had a more difficult time coming to an agreement on how to break apart our finances than we’ve had agreeing on custody.  It is so easy to put our kids first because they are our world–my ex always has been (and always will be) an amazing dad.  I take notes from him on a daily basis & admire his patience.  I just wish it was so easy to figure out the money part.

Some days I am literally taking it one. second. at. a. time.  Other days I feel strong and brave and think I’ve got this.

Time heals all.  Or makes all bearable?

Vision Board + Goal Check-in

2017/2018 Goals

  • Take three cooking classes (preferably cuisine that is out of my comfort zone)
  • Start painting again
    • 10/29 update: started my first painting today–we’ll see how it turns out!  🙂
  • Take a trip alone (Cape Cod? Vermont?)
  • Buy flowers for myself (SUNFLOWERS=#love)
  • Join a gym
    • 10/28 update: I joined Planet Fitness–woo!  My goal is to start out going twice a week & once I get used to that, up it to three or four times a week.  
    • I will do a six month check-in on this goal to keep myself accountable.  
    • 10/29 update: I went to Planet Fitness today for the first time since signing up & I LOVED it!  I made it an hour–thirty minutes on the treadmill & thirty minutes on the recumbent bike.
  • Take two spin classes
  • Make a vision board (What do I want to make me happy?)
    • 10/29 update: DONE!  Also found this great article: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-rider/the-scientific-reason-why_b_6392274.html 
    • vision board_1vision board_2
  • Find inspiring self-love quotes
    • 10/29 update: DONE!  https://www.pinterest.com/bethella_fitz/self-love/
  • Watch Heartburn 
  • Run a 5k (for a good cause)
  • Start writing again
    • 10/22 update: Starting this blog counts, right?  😉
  • Read ten books (75% should be non-fiction)
    • 10/29 update: I started reading Living Forward.  Very interesting book so far.
  • Volunteer at Ronald McDonald House
  • Reconnect with five friends I’ve lost touch with
    • 10/22 update: Getting ready to go out with an old friend from high school.  As I type, she is on her way over!  
  • Try two new restaurants downtown (Mesh, Black Market?)
  • Improve meal planning/grocery shopping lists; try new recipes
    • 10/28 update: I used Kroger’s ClickList for the first time today–it was so great!  It made it much easier to meal plan and I stayed under budget because I wasn’t in the store to be tempted to impulse buy anything.  I highly recommend ClickList if you have it in your area.  
  • Take a walk twice per week (Maybe even a walk in the rain/snow now & again?)
    • 10/22 update: Just walked with my good friend/neighbor to nearby model homes & back.  Walking through model homes is super therapeutic & inspiring for me, as I love interior design.  
  • Put a piece of furniture together without the help of a dude (YOU CAN DO IT!)
  • Go to a movie alone
  • Visit the following places:
    • Indianapolis City Market
    • Indy ComedySportz
    • Jazz on the Avenue – Madame Walker Theatre
    • See two Footlite Musicals
    • Wildwood Market

Goals Update + ClickList

2017/2018 Goals

  • Take three cooking classes (preferably cuisine that is out of my comfort zone)
  • Start painting again
  • Take a trip alone (Cape Cod? Vermont?)
  • Buy flowers for myself (SUNFLOWERS=#love)
  • Join a gym
    • 10/28 update: I joined Planet Fitness–woo!  My goal is to start out going twice a week & once I get used to that, up it to three or four times a week.  
    • I will do a six month check-in on this goal to keep myself accountable.  
  • Take two spin classes
  • Make a vision board (What do I want to make me happy?)
  • Find inspiring self-love quotes
  • Watch Heartburn 
  • Run a 5k (for a good cause)
  • Start writing again
    • 10/22 update: Starting this blog counts, right?  😉
  • Read ten books (75% should be non-fiction)
  • Volunteer at Ronald McDonald House
  • Reconnect with five friends I’ve lost touch with
    • 10/22 update: Getting ready to go out with an old friend from high school.  As I type, she is on her way over!  
  • Try two new restaurants downtown (Mesh, Black Market?)
  • Improve meal planning/grocery shopping lists; try new recipes
    • 10/28 update: I used Kroger’s ClickList for the first time today–it was so great!  It made it much easier to meal plan and I stayed under budget because I wasn’t in the store to be tempted to impulse buy anything.  I highly recommend ClickList if you have it in your area.  
  • Take a walk twice per week (Maybe even a walk in the rain/snow now & again?)
    • 10/22 update: Just walked with my good friend/neighbor to nearby model homes & back.  Walking through model homes is super therapeutic & inspiring for me, as I love interior design.  
  • Put a piece of furniture together without the help of a dude (YOU CAN DO IT!)
  • Go to a movie alone
  • Visit the following places:
    • Indianapolis City Market
    • Indy ComedySportz
    • Jazz on the Avenue – Madame Walker Theatre
    • See two Footlite Musicals
    • Wildwood Market

 

 

Timesuck (And Reality TV)

The thing about the internet is that as handy as it can be in times of need (getting directions/quick question about the perfect amount of time to boil eggs/a way to settle a disagreement with a friend about which band actually sings that song), it can also accidentally become a timesuck.

A friend of mine posted a video by Matthew Hussey about three types of women that really resonated with me; which convinced me to watch some other video of a speaking engagement he did where he talked about a failed reality show he was on as a matchmaker called Ready for Love.

I just went to check it out & for some silly reason got hooked on this show.  Thankfully it was cancelled after three episodes aired & there is only one season to watch.  I am going on episode 6.  (Wow.  Just.  Wow.)

I often wonder why so many matchmakers are single.  Do they know something about relationships that the rest of us don’t?

I want to focus on myself right now.  Now that my kids are older, it’s much easier to do this.  I know I need time to heal from everything I have gone through with my health & this divorce.  I would like to think that one day I will be ready to find someone that adds to my life, but for now it has to be a matter of becoming okay with being alone for a while.

I cannot wait to do all of the things I always wanted to do (but never made the time for)–cooking classes, traveling, reconnecting with old friends, etc.  I am joining the board for a youth professionals group through Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation & I am continuing to run the support group.  I met a really awesome guy that came to the last support group meeting & offered to help me as a co-facilitator of the group, which I am so grateful for.  The connections I have made with other patients has been a bigger gift to me than I ever could have imagined & it feels so amazing to help others.   These experiences are the best gift I can give to myself right now.  That, and the time to heal & grow into the new (and improved) me.

 

Xo, Beth

 

Jewelry

I sold my wedding band & engagement ring today.  Talk about eye-opening!  I went to the jewelry store we bought my wedding band from & was basically told that they can only use the rings for “scrap”.

I fundamentally understand this, and knew I wasn’t going to get much for the rings, but it made me wonder why we, as a society, place so much value on our wedding bands- & engagement rings-why do women want the “biggest” and the “best” engagement ring?  If your marriage fails, those pieces will likely be worth “scrap”, as well.

What is the real value?  Those rings (and their cost) do not reflect the quality of the marriage itself.  It was the time you spent together, the memories you made, the experiences you had as a couple–those are the things that truly matter, especially if your marriage doesn’t work out.

It might feel great to flash around a big, expensive ring that weighs your hand down, but the cost of the ring is not a 1 to 1 value for how loved you are/were.

This is just another stepping stone for me; to begin letting go of all the material possessions acquired over our fourteen years together–it’s just stuff that doesn’t mean a damn thing as we navigate through this divorce & move on with our lives.

I am grateful for an understanding & supportive ex.  I am glad that despite the fact that we are divorcing, we are still there for each other.  Our bond always was (and always will be) worth more than any of the jewelry.

XO, Beth